ordinary and oddinary

I write therefore I exist.


I’m currently a DINK (Double Income No Kids).

Well, they say ‘Never Say Never’, but this is most likely permanent. Nobody asks me why I don’t want children or when I am going to have one. Come to think of it, when I was a little bit younger, I was asked by some people around or I was given ‘Oh really, Why?’ look on my ‘I don’t think so.’ comment. I usually answered ‘I’m happy the way we are’, or something along the line.

Not that I need to formulate an answer to an important exam question why I lack motherhood, but I would like to look into myself about this matter.

My’ latest’ theory is this.

Since Mark got critically ill (and still ongoing) back in 2007, I’ve become overwhelmingly scared of uncertainties. I know nobody knows what happens even in the next few hours, however, we all unconsciously believe that we will be fine and have a normal life. You know, when you marry, you have ‘healthy’ children, and live happily after. You don’t really think about the otherwise i.e. husband prematurely dies, left with young children or even your child born disabled, etc etc.

So I’ve decided to minimise the source of self-inflicted uncertainties especially if the decision will have lasting and irrevocable consequences. You won’t have child-related problems, if you haven’t got one. Though the joy of having children may offset all the agonies that may bring, I feel I’m going through enough pains and I don’t need countermeasures to mitigate them, rather I doubt that it’s enough to make the life balance positive. Not just for my happiness or benefit of becoming a mum, but it’s another human being that we create and bring out to this world to look after I’m talking about.  That’s immense responsibilities. I know too well that ownership comes with the hefty price.

I’m pretty occupied with Mark and my own life. I don’t think I will have enough energy to devote to somebody else.  I know Mark’s opinion is not as strong as I am, but I need to be more realistic and selfish in this matter.

…There’s a lot more to my decision, which goes back years to years, and I will write again when I can articulate it.


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